It's another New Year's Eve. . which of course means more reflection time. I spent most of the night until at least 3 am reflecting again on 2014. Searching for the one one word that would describe it. I know my previous post was about what I learned in 2014 but now I was looking for the one word that would describe the last 364 days as I have yet to get through the last day of the year. It's 6 am now and I have a few hours left of 2014.
So what's the one word? Lost. No I'm not lost but I lost a lot of people in 2014. No not but they going to their heavenly home either. Just lost to the crazy journey in life.
I lost 4 important people in my life and one yes one fur baby who passed.
Two dear friends took paths in life that didn't include me. These hurt the worst as they still cause me much pain and sleepless nights. Both friends who didn't know each other so two of my boulders in my stonewall are gone. My boulders are the strongest people in my wall. Another day of writing I will explain that wall but yes two giant holes in my support wall are gone. Two ladies that I thought would be there for life.. . after all they had been there 21 years and 33 years. Friendships built that I depended on, trusted, thought would never fail. Tried and true. But now both are gone. I have reached out many times of the past year. .year and half. .but never got much response and neither of them made an effort. You stop reaching after so many times getting your hand slapped. I miss them terribly but I don't know what else I can do. I can forgive as that is the right thing to do which I am working on but I can't reach out anymore. It's obvious I have done something but I don't know what. It must be me to lose two of them. .but I need to move on. .find new boulders.
Two other people in life I lost are my children's boyfriend/girlfriends. Both of them were part of our family for over two years each. We had become a group of six! We did everything together. .dinners, vacations, holidays, weekends. .whatever it was it was the six of us. One relationship faded as slowly as it begun. I didn't really think he was the one for her but that isn't my decisions but I had started to come to realization that it was going to be a permanent relationship and then I started seeing the changes and knew it was ending. A young man that we had grown to love and care for . .and suddenly we were a group of five.
and now as I write this I see a girl I was 110% sure was going to my daughter-in-law slipping away.. they are young. .and growing . . life happens. . . .they are both restless but it doesn't make it hurt less. I still have hopes for this relationship and that one day she will be walking back in my door. I know they are still seeing each other occasionally and talk frequently so I still have hope. .and you always have to faith and hope.
My hardest loss of all. . .my fur baby. .I can't hardly write that without tears springing into my eyes. I had him for 17 years! An extremely long time for a dog! I was blessed to have him that long. He lived much longer than any one expected and he went peacefully and in no pain here at home with us all with him. He became my third child. The house is soooo empty at times and I still holler for him occasionally. I finally just last week cleaned out his things and took most to the local shelter. I am sure he would have wanted that if he could have actually told me. Time will bring me another fur baby. . .but not yet. .I still have healing to do.
Healing from the year of loss. . it will happen. . I've lived long enough to know that the pain will turn to memories and smiles. .but getting there takes time and it's not time yet . . .
So here is to 2014. . a year of loss and learning. .hoping to turn the last page in the book at midnight tonight. .
